Change for Living Counseling PLLC

M Club Discussion

2011-07-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

I recently had the privilege of being invited to talk to the M Club about some of the challenges we all face & healthy ways to approach these challenges. The M Club is a group for gay/bisexual men ages 18-29 years old. It is there for support, fun, education, a sense of community & friendship. And what an impressive group of guys!

If you are a young gay or bisexual man looking for a fun, supportive & welcoming group to feel a sense of community, connection & acceptance, then this is the place to go. They have several events during the month to check out.

To learn more about it you can go to: http://www.mclubnc.com/. Alex, who is a great guy, runs the group & cares deeply about making sure the group is there for the community. At the risk of being redundant, very impressive indeed! I highly recommend you check it out!

Are Women More Emotionally Intelligent Than Men?

2011-07-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

Are Women More Emotionally Intelligent Than Men?

Yes, and Yes and No. For more information go to Psychology Today article:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-brain-and-emotional-intelligence/201104/are-women-more-emotionally-intelligent-menhttp://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-brain-and-emotional-intelligence/201104/are-women-more-emotionally-intelligent-men

Published on April 29, 2011 by Dan Goleman in The Brain and Emotional Intelligence . Dan Goleman is an expert on issues of Emotional Intelligence. I highly recommend reading Dan Goleman's work on Emotional Intelligence

The Brain & Temptation

2011-06-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

Teaching Your Brain to Say No!

This is an interesting article to help people understand the brain & how our behavior reinforces the cravings/temptation. It also provides some ideas on how to essentially change our brain to reduce temptation/cravings.

The link for this on Psychology Today:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/use-your-mind-change-your-brain/201106/tips-resist-temptation

Published on June 12, 2011 by Rebecca Gladding, M.D. in Use Your Mind to Change Your Brain

I Went to the Out Raleigh Event & I Wish I Got a T-Shirt

2011-05-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

So, I went to the OutRaleigh Event with the theme being "We're All Family Here" to support the LGBT community to which I have been a part for most of my years in NC (about 25 years). And it was inspiring to see people out and "out". I hope many of you had a chance to attend. Whether you are LGBTQ or an ally, I think it's important that we all support the LGBT community. These are our brothers, our sisters, our parents, our growing children and our grown children, our friends, co workers, neighbors, and church community. We owe it to them to make the world a safe place.

A Parenting Challenge: Clear Boundaries & Roles

2011-04-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

The tasks of parents are endless and overwhelming and it’s understandable that you would welcome help wherever you could get it. And, well, you’ve managed to raise a very mature and responsible child, even one eager to be helpful and thriving in this role. This is wonderful and a credit to you as a parent. You may be tempted, based on this, to allow your child to play an active role in those numerous tasks of adulthood and parenthood. If your child is good at math, why wouldn’t you allow her to handle your finances, especially when she’s adept at using the computer and she is all to eager to help? Or, why wouldn’t you let your son help take care of his younger siblings and remind you of their needs, or monitor your drinking, since he’s offered, fits easily into these roles and seems to really care and be concerned? It’s a win-win, right? You get help and your child feels good about their contribution and a sense of competence and power. However, this is exactly the double edged sword.

The more parents blur the lines between child responsibilities and parental responsibilities, the more parents lose their authority and the more kids are left to flounder feeling they are without the protective safety net of parental oversight. After all, from their perspective, who’s in charge and who can they count on, if you are counting on them? In my experience, when pressed into service, kids will always rise to the challenge. They will do so because their survival impulses kick in, they love you and want your approval. This is an all or nothing proposition, and I’ve seen kids be capable of amazing things when parents relinquished their roles. But don’t let this fool you. It doesn’t mean the child is capable, especially developmentally, and kids and the parent-child relationship pay an irreparable price for this trade off.

“Parentified/adultified” kids are often depressed as kids and continue on to be depressed, sometimes suicidal, adults. They feel robbed of their childhoods, and lost and angry over the lack of parental modeling and investment; after all if their parents couldn’t love them enough to step up to the plate and provide all the requisite parental care, who would. As a result there are often questions for them about their worthiness and the role they have to others and others to them. Just remember that our earliest significant relationships form how we see ourselves and all our future relationships.

What about if there are other children in the household? Parents lose authority when they share responsibility with their kids, which may work just fine with this responsible child, but will cost them in their relationship to any other children in the household who are likely to see this as weakness. This creates a dynamic of the “good child” and leaving the other child(ren) to be the bad ones, since the role of good, parent aligned child is already taken. Seeing their parents as having delegated their parental authority out to a sibling who has settled into this exclusive role, it leaves them to perceive themselves as alone with no one really in charge or willing to be (and let’s face it, they are not going to listen to a peer, be it a sibling or parents they perceive as peers).

So, what do you do and where do you draw the line? You always let kids know that their skills and competence are valued and valuable, but that adult/parent responsibilities are always that, no matter how mature the child is. You reinforce that they are allowed and expected to be kids (which in these times, is stressful enough). You also model responsibility and competence to your child, so they know that though you are not perfect, they can count on you to be the parent. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they need you in this role.

This is not to say that it is not part of the parenting role to assist children in developing responsibility and skills. It is a vital part of parenting. However, the appropriate arena for this involves the tasks associated with the child themselves. These tasks should always be primarily motivated by an attempt to teach, rather than those that are related to your needs as a parent. For example, you help teach them to take responsibility for their homework, waking up on time for school, grades, their friendships/relationships, their behavior at home, school and other environments in which they interact, their finances and employment.

There are many more examples, but do you see a pattern? It is incumbent on parents to allow kids to gradually learn to be responsible for their worlds and leave the parents world to the parents. This also means that the child’s world is theirs, not the parents, and as such is the child’s to navigate, especially as they grow through adolescence. [However, this is a topic for another article]. Suffice it to say, children should not be pulled into adult/parent roles/world and parents should not insert themselves into the child’s world/roles. I know this is not easy because you care, but because you care, this is why it is essential.

2011-03-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

"If the day ever came when we were able to accept ourselves and our children exactly as we are and they are, I believe we would have come to an understanding of what "good parenting" means."

-Fred Rogers

Does My Therapist Get It?: Finding a Qualified Therapist for LGBTQ

2011-03-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

I just came back from the NASW Annual Ethics Workshop. This year it was on working with LGBTQ clients; helping social workers understand the history of "treatment" of LGBTQ people in the psychiatric community & this culture, understanding the needs of LGBTQ on the clients based cultural issues that face LGBTQ clients & social workers/therapists ethical obligations in working with LGBTQ people. Both the APA & the NASW & social work licensing board ethical guidelines are clear that providers must practice within their scope of knowledge/training. This includes not only being knowledgeable about clinical issues, but also being culturally competent to work whatever group with whom you are offering services. As one of the out gay LCSW presenters put it in his presentation, "it's not enough to be gay-friendly, you need to be competent".

In finding the ideal therapist, make sure you find a therapist who is more than just accepting and LGBT affirmative (a lack of bigotry does not make them qualified), but that they understand the unique needs of those who are LGBTQ (individuals or couples/families), and the complexities of sexual identity/ orientation. It’s important that if you seek help, that you talk with someone who sees that their are cultural issues that may make your experience different than someone who experiences themselves as exclusively heterosexual. So, don't hesitate to ask the therapist what their qualifications are & what training & experience they have had in issues of: sexuality; sexual orientation/identity, including bisexuality (or the continuum); LGBTQ cultural & social issues; involvement & understanding of the LGBT community; the history of the "gay liberation movement" & the social & psychiatric treatment of homosexuality; coming out issues; & homophobia, just to name a few.

This is not to imply there is something wrong or problematic with being LGBTQ, because sexual orientation & identity are complex biological, emotional & cultural issues that are normal/healthy parts of our selves as human/sexual beings. But issues of homophobia have a long history & are a cultural and personal reality for many LGBT people due to systemic homophobia (societal, religious, political & medical, etc). It’s important that the therapist you and/or your family sees, is informed and sensitive to that possible difference in experience. (Click here to learn more about the APA guidelines for a therapist to be competent to provide therapy to LGBQ clients).

You are not alone & there are several of us therapists in this area that meet these qualifications & ethical guidelines. I’d be happy to talk with you about your specific needs. Just give me a call, so we can talk about how I can help. Given my extensive experience in & with the LGBT community, and my educational background in understanding issues of sexuality, I think I can offer you the respect, understanding and informed perspective that may help you find peace and self acceptance. However, if I'm not the right fit, I will help you find someone who is.

Click here to learn more about my counseling and psychotherapy experience & qualifications.

Click here to learn more about the APA guidelines for a therapist to be competent to provide therapy to LGBQ clients.

2011-02-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

Your Life is a Sacred Journey.  And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement,  transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous risks, embracing challenges at every step of the way…

You are on the path.  Exactly where you are meant to be right now… And from here, you can only go forwards, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, beauty, wisdom, power, dignity, & love….

  -Caroline Joy Adams

Why it Matters: Putting LGBTQ Youth Issues into Perspective

2011-01-30T16:57:00.000-08:00

(LGBTQ Youth Article I Wrote for "the Triangle" Paper)

WHY WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THIS: AROUND OUR NATIONAL COMMUNITY

It’s hard to miss how LGBTQ youth have been in the news again lately. Sadly, this is due to several nationally publicized suicides by LGBTQ youth. The progress towards eliminating bigotry is a slow one. But I am reminded for every step in that direction, a half step back is taken as a result of reactivity and fear.

AN OVERVIEW OF WHERE WE ARE AND HOW WE GOT HERE

This article is not intended to make the case for any particular sexual identity or orientation, or even to take on issues of homophobia. Instead, it is meant to highlight how the lack of acceptance and the persistence of homophobia are, quite literally, an issue of life and death for young people. LGBT youth, those assumed to be LGBT youth by their peers, and even those who dare to question their feelings or orientation are more vulnerable to substance abuse, depression, anxiety, suicide, physical abuse, and sexual victimization. This is not because of any fundamental dysfunction associated with their feelings or behaviors (homosexual or heterosexual), but because of a culture that still struggles with issues of homophobia and the consequences of this societal reaction.

With the sexual revolution of the 1960’s and 70’s, technological advances and the gay rights movement, the lives of young people today have changed dramatically. Young people have mostly benefited from the changes that have occurred during these years, but these benefits have not been without some added stressors With the unfettered access we have to the intimate details of many people’s lives we no longer have to wait for Oprah or Phil to show us people like ourselves. We can just go on YouTube to help us feel less alone. We can post things on such sites, so that people can join us in what feels like global connection. But how does this help young people in their day to day struggles at school and home, where their lives really are? And how do they handle the use of the possibly only resource that makes them feel less alone, when it can also be used against them in a very public way through cyber bullying?

Kids are also faced with sexual decisions earlier and earlier, with middle schoolers being pressured to make decisions about sexual feelings and behavior. This pushes them to questions of sexual attraction, orientation and identity much sooner than they are equipped to, especially given the few resources of support that exist for people that young. Similarly, being gay or bisexual is no longer “in the closet”, with the media and the gay right’s movement making lgbt people more visible. This is certainly a positive thing, since exposure is an important step to acceptance. However, young people don’t have access to the same resources and freedoms as adults. Kids are essentially stuck within their families and schools. So, while the larger culture and media have changed the national landscape, local schools, churches and households may be much slower to change.

Schools are often distilled, exaggerated and the least progressive versions of the society at large with very rigid guidelines and few avenues of recourse. This reflects people’s protective nature about children, leading institutions geared to children to be the most cautious, conservative and resistant to change. Even the gay community has often been ambivalent when it comes to children (e.g., rights of adoption/parenting and benefits to children), because gay or straight, we are all raised with the same homophobic messages. Within this school environment are the developmental issues of young people. As all young people struggle through issues of belonging, there are some that can be very aggressive about the threat they feel regarding “difference” and exploiting the vulnerabilities of other kids. This is not unique to youth, as adults can sometimes be similarly aggressive to those who violate “rules of the pack.” However, kids are left at the mercy of school systems that miss the mark on how to protect kids; the technological adeptness of their peers in attacking them outside of school; and their families, where coming out to them and their being supportive are required prerequisites for parental intervention in school problems (such as harassment, bullying and violence).

As with adults, issues of coming out and what this will mean to their lives, are pivotal questions for young people. Young people are sensitive to our implicit and explicit messages about the feelings, thoughts and choices they have, and these messages are critical to whether they feel safe being open. So, if our messages clearly marginalize LGBT people and/or communicate disapproval and judgement kids are left alone, leaving them vulnerable to depression, addictions and suicide. Kids are paying attention to the messages they are getting from peers, family, school staff and the community at large. These messages shape their self perception and whether and where they think they fit in the world. These messages come through loud and clear, whether the young person out or not. However, if they are not out, they may be fearful of seeking help, which leaves them all alone to deal with the internal and external struggles without support.

If kids come out they potentially risk their parent’s rejection, abuse and abandonment. This is not a small thing when kids are emotionally and practically/financially dependent on their families. These kids are at risk of physical abuse, exacting emotional abuse (including psychological and religious) and/or becoming homeless (which has its own set of dire consequences). At school they may risk harassment, bullying and sexual and physical violence. And again, because of technology, this peer harassment can go well beyond the child’s immediate school environment.

We are essentially pack animals. Belonging is not only fundamental to our psychological well being as humans, but it is also fundamental to our very survival. As such, the enormous benefits of coming out cannot be overlooked. First, kids may [eventually] get vital love and support from their parents. The importance of parental involvement and acceptance cannot be emphasized enough. So, rather than hide in silence for years, fearing parental rejection and disapproval, they may have the support they need at this very critical stage of their development/lives. Second, they may be able to experience the developmentally appropriate experiences of adolescence, i.e., friendships and relationships/dating. This means, instead of hiding and feeling like they are keeping a potentially deal breaking secret and keeping people at a distance out of fear that people will find out (i.e., opting out, rather than being found out), they are able to practice being themselves the same as their peers. This is critical to social development and self-esteem, and therefore significant to reducing risks of suicide.

If young people don’t come out until early adulthood or later, they miss out on all that is possible with regard to acceptance, authenticity, trust and intimacy. They prevent friends and family from really knowing and accepting them, and discovering who they want to be, just as their peers are doing. They may also participate in other avoidance behaviors, such as substance abuse, hyper heterosexuality (to prove to others and themselves that they’re not gay) and social and familial withdrawal, leaving them feeling alone and isolated. Because they are anticipating rejection, being ostracized or worse, they are left with this belief or perceived reality, even if it is wrong. This is such a major loss of life experience based on a possibility, and not on a certainty. The impact of this is major on development and lends itself to depression and suicide. And of course, sometimes coming out is not voluntary. Kids may be called “gay” and harassed even if they aren’t, and those who are gay may be outed without their consent. When kids make this choice proactively, they have control over how this is done. However, since no one can guarantee what the outcome of coming out will be, it is certainly much safer to not.

WE’RE NOT STUCK HERE

This feels complicated because it involves change on the cultural level nationally, locally, in households and in schools. Schools are often a reflection, or sometimes exaggerated version, of the community at large. They need to begin to reflect a society that is more accepting and that expects kids to be safe at school, at home and in their communities. When parents, administrators, community leaders and school personnel, at best, turn a blind eye to the issues that face kids and the community, they send a clear message about what they will tacitly allow kids to do. Schools cannot remain silent on issues of acceptance, must have anti-bullying policies and enforce these policies, or they are creating a culture that targets and harshly condemns select groups. In its inaction, schools are saying certain kids are unacceptable and putting a bullseye on those kids for their peers to victimize if they choose. They are also depriving LGBTQ kids access to an education, because kids who are fearful or victimized at school are not able to concentrate and therefore benefit from the school’s education and may even drop out. Let’s face it, even local and federal laws now acknowledge LGBT people in hate crimes and yet schools fail to adopt and enforce such policies in their schools to protect kids under their care.

There are many ways caring people can help young people so that all young people survive childhood and have the access to the same resources helpful in becoming productive members of our world community. In general, we can volunteer, donate money to programs that help the lives of LGBTQ kids or be actively involved in advocating to change things. Here are the broad strokes of what is needed:

Parents need to create a home environment that consistently tells their children that being LGBT is okay, that they will be loved, and they will be supported. This message needs to start early and be provided proactively (way before their child has these questions). This is the single most impactful behavior in helping LGBTQ kids. It is vital to kids developing self-esteem, it helps mitigate lack of acceptance by peers, and allows them access to their parents for help with school and peer issues.
Parents need to demonstrate this acceptance in every day activities.
Schools need to have harassment and anti-bullying policies. Just as importantly, they need to enforce them.
Schools need to allow kids and school personnel to be involved in GSAs (gay straight alliances).
Community members can actively advocate for LGBTQ youth at school, including policies that include sexual orientation as part of their discrimination policies.
We can let school administrators and local leaders know that we care about LGBTQ youth and expect them to be protected and safe at school so that they can get an education without fear and abuse.
We can be involved or create programs/organizations that promote acceptance and safety for kids and the LGBT community at large, since both are vital to young people. go to http://www.lgbtcenterofraleigh.com/ & http://www.tcworks.org/ for some options to do this.
Help restart ASPYN (A Safer Place Youth Network). This is one of the few community based out of school youth support programs in the area (ASPYRE is a program for lgbtqa youth to help them become leaders for GSAs etc..). Young people need support and they need out of school options where they may have more anonymity. This program has been in need of adult volunteers and leadership for some time. go to http://www.lgbtcenterofraleigh.com/ & http://www.tcworks.org/ for more information.

Written by Michelle Topal MSW, LCSW

Owner Change for Living Counseling PLLC

Former ASPYN coordinator

You can see more about Michelle www.changeforliving.com or email her at changeforliving@yahoo.com

Some of the Youth Resources and Links (most are national, not local):

ASPYN (A Safer Place Youth Network) LGBTQ Community-Based Youth Support Program-needs to be restarted. http://www.tcworks.org/youth-and-family.html
ASPYRE: LGBTQA Youth Leadership Program http://www.tcworks.org/youth-and-family.html
GSA’s (Gay Straight Alliance): School based LGBTQ group http://www.tcworks.org/gsa.html
LGBT Center Resource Helpline: 919-747-4123 Sun-Thu 6:30p-9:30p
LGBT Center & TCW: http://www.lgbtcenterofraleigh.com/ & http://www.tcworks.org
PFLAG (Parents, Friends & Families of Lesbians & Gays):http://www.pflagtriangle.org
GLSEN http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/home/index.html
Trevor Project thetrevorproject.org. -866-4-U-TREVOR (1-866-488-7386)
Pacer Center: National Center for Bullying Prevention: http://www.pacer.org/bullying/ and http://www.kidsagainstbullying.org/

Change for Living Counseling PLLC Website Has a New Look

2011-01-17T06:39:00.000-08:00

As Change for Living (CFL) Counseling PLLC has expanded to include several very experienced clinicians, so too has the CFL website changed to reflect our growth & commitment as a company. I am committed to providing diverse, competent & caring services to those who come to our practice.

To that end, I have expanded the practice, created a comfortable & aesthetically pleasing counseling environment & changed the CFL website. Check out the new look & expanded information, as well as the individual websites I've created for our providers at www.changeforlivingcounseling.org. See picture below of the office waiting area to give you a feel for the warm, homey counseling environment. Your feedback on our home site & the provider's individual sites is always welcome, as these are always a work in progress as needs & preferences change.

Change for Living Counseling waiting area

Happy New Year

2011-01-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

Look to this day for it is life,

The very life of life.

In its brief course lie all the realities

And truths of existence;

The joy of growth,

The splendor of action,

The glory of power.

For yesterday is but a memory,

And tomorrow is only a vision.

But today well lived makes every

Yesterday a memory of happiness.

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.

-Ancient Sanskrit poem by Kelidasa

Your Appetite & Pleasure

2010-11-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

Below is the first paragraph of an interesting article in Psychology Today on brain research, appetite & addiction (especially related to sexual behavior).

"In a recent post (Intoxicating Behaviors), I suggested that today's super-enticing fattening food and hyper-stimulating sexual videos could numb most brains' pleasure response if their owners overdo it enough. This past week, new research confirmed that too much stimulation indeed progressively numbs the brains of people who engage in it, decreasing their satisfaction. It also points to a way out. Over six months, the brains of women who ate more fattening foods changed. They showed less response to pleasure (than those who didn't gain), which made the women more apt to overeat. In effect, the brain changes eroded their self-control, setting them on a downward spiral."

To be able to read the entire article:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201010/protect-your-appetite-pleasure

Written by Marnia Robinson is the author of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships.

This excerpt republished from Psychology Today website & originally published on October 4, 2010

Open House Fun

2010-11-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

We're so happy to be in our new expanded space & to have our five new contractors joining us, that we are having an open house to celebrate. We're inviting other therapists & allied professionals to join us on Friday November 12th at 3-5:30pm at our new 111 Windel Dr, Suite 213 location. If you have any questions or haven't received your invitation, contact Michelle at 919-360-1929.

I hope you will join us to meet, greet & have a nosh with other professionals.

In Honor of Gay Pride Weekend

2010-09-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

For parents, children & adult children of parents...unconditional love & acceptance are what shape us & give us the confidence to see ourselves as capable & worthy....

"If the day ever came when we were able to accept ourselves and our children exactly as we are and they are, I believe we would have come to an understanding of what "good parenting" means."

-Fred Rogers

It's All About Bonding

2010-09-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

Recent studies support the importance of touch for increasing the confidence to do things that might otherwise cause ambivalence. It seems the imprint of a mother's attention and affection carries with it a lifelong benefit. Studies indicate, whether it is a reassuring touch by a supportive female or a telephone call with a person's mother, that the release of oxytocin helps to make us feel more at ease with the challenges of life. So, if you want to help someone feel secure and to give them a boost of confidence, just give them a gentle reassuring touch on the shoulder. It's just that simple!

Adult LGBTQ Group Now Available for Participation

2010-08-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

http://www.changeforliving.com/groups.html

Click on this link to get information about the group & view the flyer. Also, please don't hesitate to contact me at 919/360-1929 or at changeforliving@yahoo.com to get more information or to schedule your initial individual meeting with me to join the group.

Groups for LGBTQ Young People & Adults

2010-07-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

Coming Soon!

This fall I will be starting a small support group for young people ages 14-18 who identify as LGBT or have questions about sexual identity (the "Q" in LGBTQ). I want to give young people a safe, supportive environment to explore who they are & what this might mean to them & the choices they make. With over 25 years of working with teens, & education & experience working with sexual identity issues, the group will address the developmental needs of these young people.

I will also be doing an adult group this fall, to be co-facilitated by a local pastoral counselor who has years of experience working with issues of faith & the gay community. This group will offer a supportive environment for adults to explore their sexual identity & figure out what this means in their adult lives. For those who have issues of faith, this will also be a non-judgmental group to explore these questions.

Some of the issues these groups might address:

Who am I - label, behavior & feelings & what does it all mean & how do I make sense of it all
Coming out issues - when, who, when & how
What does this mean or not mean in terms of my life & relationships
What does my faith say about who I am/my behavior & how can I integrate all aspects of my life
Issues of discrimination - how do I not let this impact how I feel about myself

If you would like to get more information, don't hesitate to contact me at 919/360-1929 or at changeforliving@yahoo.com. I would be happy to talk with you about how these groups might be helpful.

How to be a Loving Parent

2010-04-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

Woman With Flower

I wouldn't coax the plant if I were you.

Such watchful nurturing may do it harm.
Let the soil rest from so much digging
And wait until it's dry before you water it.
The leaf's inclined to find its own direction;
Give it a chance to seek the sunlight for itself.
Much growth is stunted by too careful prodding,
Too eager tenderness.
The things we love we have to learn to leave alone.

By Naomi Long Madgett

Change for Living Counseling Has Moved

2010-03-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm excited to announce that Change for Living Counseling has moved to it's new location at 11 Windel Drive, Suite 205 in Raleigh, NC 27609, and we are settling in. Our new space is much larger with great offices to share with other providers and group room rental space available for other mental health and allied professionals. This space, along with Judith Dickens and Purple Lotus Counseling PLLC, will allow us to fulfill our vision for our practices and the CFL Mental Health & Allied Professionals Network working together to develop our, and other providers', practices. We hope you'll come join us in this exciting venture and visit us at our new location.

Change for Living Counseling: A Reflection on the Climb

2010-02-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

Change for Living Counseling: A Reflection on the Climb

A Reflection on the Climb

2010-02-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

I recently read a colleague at Aspire Counseling's (cool name, huh) blog and it gave me something to think about. It was on the role of therapists and how they are perceived by clients, especially if we are perceived as infallible experts. I recently heard an ACT trainer talk about how therapists are just like everyone else; that we all have our mountains to climb, but that a particular therapist’s may just be different than the one a client is climbing. The imagery goes on further to say that therapists just may have a certain helpful perspective or view of a client’s struggles on their mountain from the distance of the therapist's mountain. I like that visual because it acknowledges that therapists are no different than anyone else…except maybe we have a little more training and equipment for the big climb :-).

A Great New Resource

2010-01-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year.

The new year is often a time of reflection and planning. If you are like most of us, you are evaluating the past year, looking forward to what this new year has to offer, and trying to figure out how you're going to accomplish your goals. If one of your goals is to have a fuller, more meaningful life, than I have an invaluable resource for creating this. I recently discovered a great resource and one that I have been using to help clients explore the skills to live a more vibrant life.

I have recently started studying an approach called ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This approach focuses on accepting that feelings are an unavoidable part of the human condition and that trying to avoid them causes greater suffering. It also incorporates mindfulness and essentially trying to live in the moment and be present. Lastly, it helps people identify their values and the vision they have for who they want to be and helps them make a commitment to living this life, no matter what feelings might seem to be obstacles.

ACT teaches people how to change their experience with their thoughts, especially the negative, self-defeating ones, so that you are not trapped by them. Essentially, by learning to accept your feelings (rather than working hard to avoid them), and understanding your thoughts for what they are (perceptions, not facts or reality), you are able to actively participate in the life you want to have. This may not mean you will not experience pain, sadness and anger, but it means you will also experience all the joy that comes with living the life you envision. In other words, your life will be rich and full and one that you value.

One of the best resources I've found so far with helping people understand and apply these concepts in a very user friendly way ('cuz this stuff is hard work that is not easy to do), is "Get Out of Your Mind, and Into Your Life" workbook by Steven Hayes (who is also the founding researcher/clinician of ACT). His book uses humor and examples to illustrate the concepts in a way that makes it understandable and entertaining. His work is also empirically supported by much of the clinical research he and several others have conducted.

So with the New Year, take the leap into your life and make a commitment to living the fullest life you can. I am always available to help you in this journey. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you'd like to schedule sessions for us to work together on this workbook.

Change for Living (CFL) Mental Health & Allied Professionals Network Now on Meetup

2009-11-27T14:14:00.000-08:00

The Triangle Therapist Meetup is soon to be the Change For Living (CFL) Mental Health & Allied Professionals Network. We will still be available on the meetup site (until we decide to organize independent of meetup).

If you're a private practice therapist or allied professional (massage therapist, OBGYN, PCP, website design, just to name a few) and running a small business, this may be just the group for you. The network is designed to help us create business that are profitable and fulfilling through education, sharing resources and knowledge and cross referring to one another.

Please go to the CFL Mental Health & Allied Professionals Network site on meetup.com or you drop me an email at changeforliving@yahoo.com. I'm excited about helping each other grow.

Check It Out

2009-10-31T00:59:00.001-07:00

I'm really excited. I just revamped my website and it's now up and running. Check it out at www.changeforliving.com.

I welcome your feedback and suggestions.

Help Get Me Some Sleep

2009-10-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

Most people under stress or with anxiety have problems with sleep.

Sleep is vital to our mental and physical health. Having had problems with sleep at various times in my life, especially related to stress, I know how it wreaks havoc on the ability to function and enjoy life. Obviously, reducing stress and anxiety helps, but good "sleep hygiene" is always vital to improved sleep duration and quality. Here are some things that have worked for me and/or some suggestions I've seen in my research on how to get better sleep:

Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends and holidays (for me as a night person, this means going to bed late & waking up late consistently).
Your bed and bedroom should only be used for sleeping and sex (ugh, no TV :-(.
Try not to take naps, especially close to bedtime.
Limit the time you spend in bed. Get into bed only when you're sleepy. If you don't fall asleep within 15 minutes or if you wake up and can't fall back to sleep within 15 minutes, get out of bed and do something relaxing until you feel sleepy.
Avoid caffeine (found in coffee, many teas, chocolate, and soda) after 2 p.m., or noon if you are caffeine-sensitive. Avoiding caffeine entirely may be a good idea if you have panic attacks.
Avoid eating foods that contribute to heartburn or any gastrointestinal discomfort.
Don't drink alcohol for at least 2 hours before bedtime.
Limit fluids before bedtime to minimize nighttime trips to the bathroom.
Stop smoking, or at least do not smoke for several hours before going to bed.
Exercise regularly, but not within a few hours of bedtime. An afternoon or morning workout is ideal (though I've found this late night workouts not to be a problem for me).
Keep the bedroom cool, dark, and as quiet as possible. Stimulii is disruptive to sleep (Our brains are wired to wake us up to protect us. If only my dogs and cat would gain some insight about this).
Replace a worn-out or uncomfortable mattress.
Take a hot bath before bedtime. It's relaxing.
Use relaxation techniques to unwind and help you ready your mind and body for sleep.
Prepare your body for sleep several hours before bedtime by engaging in relaxing, non-stimulating activities, such as reading, medication, stretching, listening to calming music and/or anything that quiets the mind and body, and avoid stimulating TV, conversations or music.
Do not have the TV or music on when trying to sleep. Subtle changes in volume can cause an alert response and wake you up (I learned this the hard way).